A couple of days ago, I wrote about a guy bringing a knife to a gunfight. Yes, it’s a cliché, but it’s also funny, so I’m going to mock such people because they deserve it. But what about something even dumber? Like, say, they think they’re a dwarf from Dungeons & Dragons and arm themselves accordingly?
That’s what happened with one Florida Man.
No, seriously, it sure looks like he thought he was a fantasy race or something, because his weapon selection left a lot to be desired.
On Monday night, deputies responded to a property along Lake Avenue, where they found Eddie Jordan II with a gunshot wound to his right shin.
According to Lee County Sheriff Carmine Marceno, deputies discovered the victim shot Jordan after he attacked him with a pickaxe.
After the victim had told Jordan to leave the property, Jordan followed the victim with a pickaxe and shoved it into his back, which caused him to fall to the ground. Jordan then stood over the victim, threatening to strike him, before the victim shot Jordan in self-defense, according to Sheriff Marceno.
Both parties initially declined to press any charges, but there was another altercation a couple of nights later, and the victim decided to rethink his earlier magnanimity.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting here wondering how dumb or how ornery you have to be to get shot by a dude you tried to attack like you’d just rolled initiative, only to come back later and get into it with him all over again.
A pickaxe.
I mean, what, did he mine for gold in his spare time?
And this is in Florida, where one might expect guns to be common enough that you should rethink coming at someone with a gardening or mining tool after they told you to leave their property.
Then come back after you get shot by them a couple of days earlier.
I just…I’m sorry, I’ve got nothing. Nothing at all.
Good on the victim to have a gun and be willing to use it. It’s a shame their understanding apparently got abused even after shooting the dude once, but then again, this is Florida Man we’re talking about here.
We’ve heard a lot of Florida Man stories through the years, and they just keep getting more and more insane. While this doesn’t quite reach the level of, say, “Florida Man saves neighbor from jaws of 11-foot gator by hitting it with his car,” it’s still kind of nuts.
Maybe now Jordan will leave his neighbor the hell alone, though if shooting him didn’t discourage such behavior (allegedly), then I’m not really sure what else you can do to him other than killing him next time. I think everyone would prefer to avoid that.
Well, except maybe for Jordan.
It’s possible he thinks he’s got a ring of protection against firearms, but if he’s actually nuts and believes such a thing, he should get his money back because it didn’t work.
And the next time he levels up, he should take the Dodge feat. You know, because reasons.
Like not getting shot in the shin or somewhere more vital.
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